Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
