There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
