thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
