Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
