I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
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I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
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You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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