I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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