Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
