My liver just broke up with me...
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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