Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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