Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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