I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
