yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
