so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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