Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
