lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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