I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
