i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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