M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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