Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
