oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
