Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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