I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
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Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
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Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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