i wish peter jackson would direct porn
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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