I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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