"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
