he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you traded sex for a burrito?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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