Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
