dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
