as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Dear god my vagina.
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