I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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