I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
