after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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