i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
