Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
