I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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