best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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