someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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