one might say we're banned from that church
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
