Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just found puke in my bra..
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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