Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
