I cannot find my penis.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
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