Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
