Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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