I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
