Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
