I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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