where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
