started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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