I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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