the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
