I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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