I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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