I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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