I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
