you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
