That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
