got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
