Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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