I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
