i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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