He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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